Tag Archives: coming out

Conversation with Mom

Author: Rajib from Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh, India

Finally did it…. there is nothing in this world that is impossible. Just a little courage and push from within to do the things just when you want them can get you where you want to be. So, this is how the conversation started:

Me: “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

Mom: “What is it ?”

Me: “I do not want you to talk about me getting married to a girl to anyone.”

Mom: (with a weird look) “Why?”

Me: “I am not attracted to girls and I like boys.”

Mom: “My heart called for this a few weeks ago and I expected this coming. So this is the way you want to destroy your life ?”

Me: “This will not destroy my life but getting married to a girl will. And not only my life, but the girl’s life as well. And if you want to get me married forcefully, then that will end up nowhere but a depressed life and divorce.”

Mom: “If that is the case, then you don’t have to get married ever. If you cannot marry a ‘nari’ [woman] then you cannot marry a ‘purush’ [man]. That’s it. Live alone.”

Me: “But I am not asexual. I like boys and want to get married to a guy and as you always said I need to marry and have kids, so that there is someone to look after you when you are old.”

Mom: “It cannot happen, how will two guys look after each other, both will be old?”

Me: “We can always adopt.”

Mom: (with anger) “No! this will not happen. You have to marry a girl, else no marriage for you.”

Me: “Not possible! What if I fall in love with a boy, with whom I want to live and raise a family?”

Mom: (emotionally) “I was born alone, lived my life alone, your father died at an early age, you were the only hope and now you are also doing these kinds of things. I have no happiness (‘sukh’ is the term she used).”

Me: “I am there for you and I need you to be there for me. You are my strength and if you reject me, then I would have nowhere to go.”

Mom: “I am not leaving you, but just wish you had a better life. So who is this guy who calls you all the time?”

Me: “He is my friend and he likes talking to me.”

Mom: “What’s his name? What does he do? Where does he live? Did he ask you to speak to me about all this?”

Me: “His name is *********, he is ****** by profession and already has a boyfriend and he did not ask me to talk to you about this. Actually, I was trying to talk to you about this for the last few weeks, but could not as I was afraid.”

Mom: “Afraid of what? Why didn’t you tell me when I was trying to get you married last year? Why a sudden change now?”

Me: “I did not change; I was just scared to tell you thinking that I might lose you.”

Mom: (with pride) “I am a strong woman. I did everything on my own and raised you after your Dad. Why would you lose me?”

Me: “I know your anger and thought you would kill me or yourself after you get to know about it.”

Mom: “Never! Why would I kill the one I gave birth to and why the hell would I kill myself. I’ll die naturally and on God’s will.”

Me: “I love you Mom and thank you so much for accepting me for who I am.”

Mom: “Who said I accepted you? I would still want you to get married to a girl.”

Me: “Again the same thing mom? I cannot take it anymore. There have been many instances where people got married due to the pressure from their parents and society and ended up nowhere. “

Mom: “Ok, I wish you a happy life and do whatever you want to.”

After this conversation, I kept on telling her about being queer and also mentioned Wajood, a Hyderabad-based Queer collective. It’s been months now and we are still living together and I hope that she will come around in full support one day.


*This story first appeared on orinam.net and is being republished with consent of the author.

Me Knowing Myself

Author: Pranay from Kolkata, West Bengal, India

Growing up was definitely not the best feeling in the world. I know every queer feels they were different as a child, and I am no exception, but for me much before my sexuality, came my quirkiness. I was the dork, aloof, peculiar, fatuous one, who always had and wanted to have a different opinion and logic about stuff.

I found myself as socially inept, so much so that I was apprehensive of going to new places and meeting new people as they would judge me for my mannerisms and short height. I was scared of non-queer guys (for they would tease me) and queer guys (for they would realise I am one of them)

A typical middle class Bengali family in a homophobic neighbourhood and chauvinistic relatives was pretty much my life. Even talking about LGBT issues is a taboo & would raise a few eyebrows to them. It kills me every time to think of  the ignorance they have, the hatred they must feel for my community.

Being forced to play either cricket or football, getting ridiculed by our sports sir and friends for playing with girls or for being short, feeling shy of going to the toilets with my male classmates, my mom getting complained by class teacher in PTA meet that I don’t hang around with guys enough – these were common occurrences for me.

As a child, a very effeminate guy used to live in my neighbour. I knew probably that’s my future, but fearing the immense condescending behaviour that was in store for me, I forcefully used to laugh at him when my friends made fun of him and used to regret it after reaching home. Nonetheless, there wasn’t any refuge for me, since I was on the receiving end a couple of years later, which makes me question how many guys are actually laughing at me every time I get mocked? Maybe someone there is just forcibly laughing due to peer pressure as I was a few years earlier.

As a pre-teen, loving a man was pretty much normal to me. I thought people like me exist, just not in abundance. But I didn’t want to reveal myself because of the stigma attached to it. I was fantasising about the “hero” after reading a story or watching a film; I always got excited to find a new boy in my class; at the same time I went weak in my knees for older men. As I aged, homophobic slurs, mockery, gay bashing came my way though I never felt cursed to be a queer. Post teen, pornography, music, movies, reality shows nurtured my ideas and peeked an insight into the life, behaviour and mannerisms of people of varied sexualities.

It was the summer night of 25th June 2010 when I told one of my school friends the unspoken secret about me (exactly a year after Michael Jackson died, probably because I wanted that day to be a happy day, something to overshadow MJ’s death). I was petrified, asked her not to tell it to anyone. Ironically, a month later, I told almost all my friends about it, though almost everyone seemed to be receptive of that and acted maturely. Gradually I found my male friends drifting away. Some didn’t want to talk about it anymore, a few laughed behind my back and others plain ignored it. Some even hoped one day I would turn straight, which just made it all together awful, but I never was more relieved, ecstatic and happy, because I was finally coming to terms to myself.

Often I am asked, “When did you find out that you were a queer?” I just can’t think of an answer because there wasn’t any defining moment in my life like an apple dropped, or a bell rang and I realised, “Oh! I am queer!” There wasn’t any! Just like a straight guy knows that he is straight, I always knew I am bisexual.

I have spent two decades of my life in knowing myself. Being queer has helped me to know myself and the unparallelled aspect is that every queer in the world go through self-identification while in the process of knowing their sexuality, which in itself is the most priceless reward any human of any sexual orientation can ask for.

I Am What I Am

Author: Ceen, Punjab, Pakistan 

rickshawI am ceen, I am not a writer but I always feel when you have something to share, when there is pain in your thoughts, you can write what you feel. I belong to a typical landlord family where there is very common practice by men to use female maids for the purposes of their own desires. I grew up in a joint family, living with around 35-40 people. My father was a rebel of the family in the sense that he always believed in girls’ education and freedom of expression. I grew up in an environment where I saw my parents always criticized by other family members as they were a totally loving couple whereas my tayas (father’s elder brothers) were busy with maids.

In my family, there were more boys than girls and I spent my childhood while playing with those cousins. Till the age of 14, I was not aware about of what my orientation is.

From my childhood, I always felt attracted towards beauty; if I saw someone, a boy or a girl, who was beautiful, I always praised their beauty. There was no feeling of shyness or hesitation. One day, I was in school in Class 4, I was sitting in my classroom and a woman (who was a teacher, and a friend of my teacher) came to our class. She was amazingly beautiful! I just saw her and I was not able to turn my eyes away. She was pretty and stylish. I have never seen such a pretty women before.

She was busy with my teacher and I was just gazing her silently. After a while, she said goodbye to my teacher and left. I was totally shocked at that time as I was not ready to not see her anymore. I stood up. Suddenly my teacher said, “Oh, Adeela left her file here.”

I snatched that file and ran from the class. She was not anywhere. I rushed to the gate.We were not allowed to leave school during school hours for any reason. The gate guard tried to stop me but I was totally out of control. My school road is one of the most busy roads. As I left the school grounds, I saw her get into a rikshaw and leave. The road was full of traffic and I was totally out of my senses. I just wanted to see that face again. I rushed behind the rikshaw and after running about a half kilometer, I caught up to it. It was still moving and to make it stop, I pulled it; its wheels ran over my feet and it stopped as she and the driver noticed me. At the time, I didn’t feel any pain in my feet. I was just happy to see her. I gave her the file and said, “You forgot it.”

She said, “Why did you try to come out to find me? Are you crazy?” I was just silently gazing at her face. She said, “Ok, thanks,” and the rikhsaw left again.

Suddenly I felt pain in my foot and when I looked down, I saw it is was crushed badly. I was not able to move anymore. I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me! Why was I behaving so crazily? I was not aware about the concept of lesbian or gays.

When I was in Class 10, I saw in the newspaper that, “do hum jins paraston ne shadi kar li. (Two homosexuals have gotten married.)” I read it many times as I realized that it is something related to myself. After that, I kept an eye out for such news and many times I felt afraid, when I noticed that there is  news like, “ham jins parast jorra pakrra gaya ya unko maar dia gaya. (A homosexual couple was caught, or killed.)” I always thought: maybe it’s a sin; but what can I do? I have no control. This is natural thing – I am more attracted towards women.

This situation has converted me to a very reserved and serious kind of person.